The Weasley Road Trip
by Thalia Poet
Summary: The Weasleys go on a road trip to save Charlie's Muggle Studies grade...(if he can survive that long). Attempted humor.


AN: SO!! Here begins a bunch of otherwise unrelated Weasley stories. The series will be known as--WEASLEY STORIES!! Ha; I'm so original. Lemme see...warnings...a little cussing that is rectified with Molly throwing boots, and some nasties. You know that I can't refrain from putting innuendo into my stories...so...PG-13, to be safe. This one will have two chapters...There and Back!! ^_^ Read on, and enjoy!! Reviews will be cherished and reviewers will be idolized!! Flames will be used to torch Dolores Umbridge.

The Weasley Road Trip  
(Sorry; I suck at titles)  
By Thalia Poet...whoopee; I'm back!! ^_^

(7:28 AM: Day One)

"Oh no--please don't tell me that's a minivan."

"Yeah--what do you think it is??"

"I DESPISE MINIVANS!" shouted Charlie.

"Well, you'd better get used to it. We're going to spend the next week or so in it."

"Why?" asked Bill, frowning as he heaved trunks into the back. "It's Charlie's Muggle Studies grade--why the hell--"

Mrs. Weasley heaved a boot at his head. "BILL!! LANGUAGE!"

"--why the heck do WE have to suffer with him??"

Percy was tucking Ginny into her seat. "Because mum says it's a good opportunity to spend some quality time with each other," he said. "We haven't had time to do family activities because now I'm SO busy with school and we stopped having family game night--"

"We stopped that because Ron kept on EATING the Monopoly pieces," said Bill, glaring at his younger brother, who looked very pale and nauseous as he clambered into the seat next to Ginny.

"This is all because you're failing Muggle Studies," Percy continued in a patronizing voice (Charlie rolled his eyes). "If you could just apply yourself we wouldn't have to take a Muggle road trip in this overgrown Ford Anglia."

"We get to see a hotel," said Fred excitedly as he and George plopped down in the backseat. "This is gonna be SO great!!!"

"Can everyone please get in the car so we can get this started?" George whined.

Bill and Charlie both bolted for the front seat, but Bill got there first and squeezed between his parents. Percy sat down next to Ron, a resigned look on his face, and Charlie glanced despairingly at the only remaining seat--next to Fred and George, who were currently brushing each other's teeth and trying to play a Gameboy at the same time.

"Charlie? Coming?" said Arthur Weasley, flashing him a grin. "It's YOUR grade."

Grumbling, he crawled in beside the twins.

"OKAY! Let's get this show on the road!!"

Arthur turned on the ignition.

Ron threw up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

(8:01 AM)

"We could've cleaned the car a bazillion times faster if we'd used magic," said Bill sullenly as he took a seat next to Ginny and Percy in the middle (Ron was sitting up front, looking queasy but adorable as he sucked on a cracker.)

"We're not allowed to use magic. My teacher cast a tracking spell on us. So if we use any spells she'll sense it, and I'll flunk," Charlie explained.

"I didn't realize you owned a Muggle vacuum, mum," said Percy.

Molly Weasley smiled sourly. "A woman must always be ready for anything. Ronnie, are you okay? Want another cracker?"

"Mum, I'm seven," Ron moaned. "I'm not a baby! Ginny's the baby!"

"Am not," Ginny argued, sucking on her thumb.

"You're six," said Charlie grumpily. "You were supposed to have stopped that when you were ONE."

George withdrew his thumb from his mouth indignantly. "YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT!!"

"What a family," said Arthur, beaming. Then he turned the key, and--

"I've got to pee."

Everyone glared at Fred.

"No--I seriously have to pee." His voice turned hopeful. "Can I go in the bushes?"

"NO! Just go into the Burrow and--"

Fred looked disappointed. "Oh, never mind. I'll wait until there are some bushes or something."

For just a moment, it was silent as Arthur pulled away from the house and began driving aimlessly. Then George spoke up in an affable voice. "If you pee in the bushes don't wipe with poison ivy like Bill did during last year's camping trip..."

"HEY!"

Charlie and Percy lunged for Bill as he made a furious move towards George, who covered his face and started crying. Fred followed suit, then Ginny started wailing. Ron threw up.

"Can I just flunk the class??" Charlie moaned.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(8:30 AM)

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

Bill punched Percy. "Just stop responding to them!" he said, rolling his eyes. "They're going to keep on asking if you keep on answering!"

Fred and George flashed Bill identical smiles. "Are we there yet?"

"No," Percy replied automatically.

"Are we there yet?"

"We have no real destination," Percy explained patiently. "We're just going on a road trip so Charlie can get his Muggle Studies grade up. So technically we'll never really 'get there.'"

A pause.

"Wow, did you actually shut them up?" asked Charlie, amazed.

"Are we there yet?"

"Aw, shit."

Mrs. Weasley threw another boot at Bill's head.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(8:42 AM)

"Can I have a cracker?"

Molly handed the bag of crackers back to Ginny, who put one in her mouth, her eyes very glassy.

"Are you going to be sick?" Percy asked concernedly, patting her on the head.

Suddenly Ginny gagged.

"OH NO, SHE'S GONNA PUKE!" cried Bill.

"HAHA, Bill's gonna get thrown up on!!" said Charlie cheerfully as Ginny lurched again, her face white.

"Oh, mummy--I'm going to--I think I'm going to--"

George threw up all over Charlie.

Ginny burped. "Never mind," she said sweetly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(9:02 AM)

"BUT I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO GEORGE!!" Fred screamed as his brother was helped into the front.

"Fred, be reasonable," Percy pleaded, looking as if he had a terrible headache. "He gets carsick, and Ron gets carsick, and dad's driving--you've just got to suck it up! I'll switch places with you, so you can sit right behind George--"

Fred's eyes glimmered. "But--Percy, I've never been separated from George!! Never! Can't I sit up front?"

"THERE'S NO BLOODY ROOM!!!" shouted Charlie as he changed into clean clothes to the side of the car, behind a road sign. "JUST GET OVER IT, YOU DIPSHIT!!!"

Another boot went flying.

"Mum, _please_," Fred begged, eyes filling with enormous tears. "George and I share a home, share a room, share a BED--we were together since your egg split into two different cells in your uterus--"

"How does he know this, Arthur?" Mrs. Weasley asked her husband with a sigh.

"Percy's books," said George promptly. "We like the pictures."

Percy blushed.

"Well, they're above my head!! I don't even understand them."

"They're just about sex," said Bill, shrugging.

"I don't get them either," Ron admitted. "What on earth is a sperm?"

"And why do they look like balloons?" Ginny demanded.

"Is everyone sneaking peeks at my books?" Percy scowled.

Mrs. Weasley was turning purple.

"Okay, Fred, you can sit up front as long as you keep Ron in your lap," said Mr. Weasley quickly, abruptly snapping the conversation back to that subject.

"YAY!" Fred cheered, kissing his father and jumping in the front seat. Mr. Weasley smiled and took his seat at the wheel. George sat near the window, and Fred got in the middle, all smiles. Then Bill set Ron in Fred's lap, and--

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"WHO'S DYING???" Charlie gasped, returning to the car.

"HE'S--HE'S SO HEAAAAAVY!" Fred moaned.

"You ain't no string bean yourself," said Ron smartly and so cutely that Bill started laughing hysterically.

Percy looked thoughtful. "That was a double negative--equals a positive. So technically you said that Fred was thin? I don't get it."

"I can't feel my thighs, mum!" Fred cried, alarmed.

"Well, I can't see my feet. It's just something you're going to have to get used to."

"Mum--Ron must weigh twelve-hundred pounds--"

"Do you want to sit next to George or not?" Charlie demanded.

Fred glanced longingly at his twin, then with dismay at Ron, who glared at him. "I'll sit here," Fred said finally, squeezing George's hand and smiling at him.

Mrs. Weasley nodded and sat in the back with Charlie, who looked extremely grateful that the twins were gone. "Come on, Arthur, we haven't even made it a mile away from the Burrow, and it's almost been two hours!" She looked at Charlie. "How many miles did we have to go for the project?"

Charlie looked like he was going to die. "S-sixty, mum."

"That means there are only..." Ginny began counting on her fingers, and then she smiled triumphantly. "Fifty-twenty-hundred-thousand-bazillion and a half more miles to go!!"

"That seems about right," Bill muttered.

Mr. Weasley began to drive again and eventually came to the highway. Two seconds later, Fred punched Ron in the arm. "GREEN SLUG BUG!!" he shouted.

Ron started crying.

"Blue punch bug," said peacemaker Percy, hitting Fred on the arm to make Ron stop crying.

Bill smiled wickedly. "Yellow punch bug!" he yelled, socking Percy in the arm so hard that he smashed into the window.

"OWWCH!!! _MUM_!!!!!!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!!" shouted Mrs. Weasley.

There was a pause.

"GREEN SLUG BUG!!" Mr. Weasley said triumphantly, smacking George.

"AAH! _DAD_!!!"

"_ARTHUR_!!!"

"Sorry, Molly."

There was another pause.

"YELLOW SLUG BUG!!" Fred burst out, bopping Ron again.

"INVISIBLE SLUG BUG!!" Ron shouted and sunk his fist hard into Fred's groin.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Percy threw up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(9:20 AM)

"I really don't mean to be so much trouble," Percy said meekly as his mother led him into a convenience store.

"Oh, no dear, it's no trouble. We needed to stop anyway. Fred is grumpy because he's hungry and Ginny and Ron need to stretch their legs."

As soon as they stepped inside, the twins poked their heads out of the bathroom. "Um, mum, do you have a Muggle quarter we could use?" asked George innocently, and, distracted, Mrs. Weasley handed one over without question and began to search around for motion sickness medicine.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Bill rummaged around the magazines, their eyes widening at the pictures of the women in skimpy bathing suits. Ron and Ginny stood nearby, awkwardly shuffling their feet and looking around. "Billy, I want candy," said Ron, tugging on his pants hard--so hard that he accidentally pulled them down.

"RON!"

"Nice skivvies," said Charlie, giggling. "Green balloons."

"Ooh, a Muggle recorder," said Ginny, staring with wide eyes at the security camera in the corner.

Bill hurriedly tugged his pants up, face burning.

"Here's some money for candy, Ronnie," said Charlie, handing him some money.

Ron hauled Ginny to the candy aisle, where they picked out some Gummy Worms and put then on the counter. The woman smiled at the adorable kids and even accepted the Bronze Knut that they handed to her to pay for it. "We're going outside to eat worms," Ron called to Mr. Weasley, who shrugged.

"Worms, Ronniekins? Not frogs? Oh well, suit yourself."

The twins had emerged from the bathroom, and they approached their father.

"Could we get something grapey?"

"Of course. Look at all the inanimate candies..." Mr. Weasley sighed. "So beautiful, how Muggles try their hardest to make wonderful things!"

"These change colors," said Fred, pointing to a bag of Gobstoppers.

"Okay, we'll get those."

"These are all speckly," George laughed, looking at the Jawbreakers.

"We'll get those too! Oh, Muggle candy is so INTERESTING!"

On the other side of the shelves, Mrs. Weasley was walking Percy to the drinks. "Let's get you something to drink, so you can sip at something and you won't throw up. Want something fizzy?"

"Can I just have water?"

"You don't want anything special? I'll get anything."

Percy paused. "Um--how about orange juice?"

__

I have never met a healthier eleven-year-old, Mrs. Weasley thought as she plucked a bottle of orange juice from a shelf. _I'm glad I have a healthy family, though_.

"Let's go, Molly," said Mr. Weasley cheerfully, his arms full of candy.

"Oh NO, dad, don't give all that to the twins!" Charlie cried, appearing around the corner. "They get SOO hyper, then their blood sugar gets low, and they sink into depressions!!!"

"But I LIKE Muggle candy--it's fascinating--"

They quickly paid the cashier in regular money (Charlie's teacher had exchanged their currencies for them) and went out into the car, where Ron and Ginny were already sitting, chewing busily on the Gummy Worms. Percy, Ron, and the twins were given Dramamine and they all resumed their first seating arrangements, with Bill in the front, Ron, Percy, and Ginny in the middle, and the twins and Charlie in the back. Mr. Weasley pulled out of the parking lot and began down the road once more.

"Can I have a Gummy Worm, Gin?" asked George.

Ginny handed them some of the neon worms, and Fred and George chewed thoughtfully.

"Nah, I think real worms taste better."

Percy spewed orange juice on Bill's back. "WHAT?"

"OOOAAAAAAH!" George screamed as he bit into a Jawbreaker.

Mrs. Weasley, Bill, and Charlie simultaneously rubbed their heads.

"What's this?" asked Fred, holding up a wrapped object.

"What does the label say?"

"Cromdomes?"

"Chrome dome??" Bill repeated incredulously.

"Crondome," George said, snatching it away from Fred and examining it.

"Spell it out for us, sweetie."

"C-O-N-D-O-M," said George.

"WHERE THE HELL--" Mrs. Weasley smacked herself in the head with a boot, "--WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET A CONDOM???"

"A vending machine in the bathroom," said Fred, examining it. "What's it for?"

Arthur spoke up shamelessly. "It's a covering that protects the peni--"

Before it would be necessary to up this fic's rating to R, Ginny squealed and began squirming.

"MAMA, I HAVE TO PEE!!!"

"Ginny, we were just at a rest stop!" Mrs. Weasley moaned. "Arthur, turn around, please..."

"I didn't have to pee a second ago," Ginny insisted, looking embarrassed.

"No U turns here, I'm afraid. Ginny, can you wait?"

"Yes. Maybe. NOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"Would you mind going in the forest?" asked Mrs. Weasley desperately.

"NOOOO, I just have to peeeeeeeee..."

Mr. Weasley pulled over, and Mrs. Weasley seized Ginny and rushed her into the forest.

"I want to pee in the forest, too," said Fred with a frown, unbuckling his seat.

"Me too," said George.

"Okay, boys, I'll take you," said Mr. Weasley, unlocking the doors.

"If you get to try, I get to try too," said Ron decisively.

Bill and Charlie grinned at each other and followed them outside.

Percy sat alone in the car, feeling awkward as his siblings tromped out. For some reason, peeing in a forest held no appeal for him--especially not in front of everyone else. He crawled to the backseat and peered out the window, waiting for them to return.

The car began to slowly roll down the hill.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"PERCY!!" yelled Mrs. Weasley, sprinting after the minivan and digging her wand out of the pocket. "IMMOBULIS!! _IMMOBULIS_!!!!"

Finally one of the spells hit the van, and she let out an enormous sigh of relief.

Mr. Weasley appeared. "Did I miss something?"

"ARTHUR WEASLEY!!! _IT'S...CALLED...A...PARKING...BRAKE_!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, yes," he said mildly.

Suddenly Charlie's Muggle Studies professor Apparated, and Charlie threw himself down at her feet. "WE HAD TO USE A SPELL!! IT WAS AN EMERGENCY!!" he protested, pointing to the minivan, where Mrs. Weasley was pulling Percy from the car (Percy was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane).

"I'll excuse you." She frowned. "THIS time."

"Oh, lord, your professor is hot!" squealed Bill as she Disapparated.

"I peed in my pants," Percy said quietly to Mrs. Weasley, who kissed him in response and handed him a spare set of clothes.

"What happened?" asked Fred, appearing from the forest.

"Your brother nearly DIED," said Mrs. Weasley, glaring furiously at Mr. Weasley.

The twins' eyes went wide, and they started bawling and latched onto Percy feverishly. "OH, PERCY, I LOVE YOU!!" George wailed, kissing him frantically. Fred was howling with tears to the point where he couldn't even speak. Percy looked flattered and frightened at the same time.

"Yeah, yeah, we love you, Perce," said Bill impatiently. "Can we go now?"

"I want Percy to sit by _us_," Fred said firmly, still not releasing him.

They clambered back in the car, with Percy between the twins in the backseat (Charlie looked more than happy to get away from Fred and George). Mrs. Weasley snatched the keys out of Mr. Weasley's hands.

"_I_ AM DRIVING."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(12:42 PM)

"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

"Cheeseburgers," said the twins.

"A big thing of French fries," Ginny said.

"Do they have chicken here?" Charlie asked.

"I'm not hungry," said Percy.

Fred smiled hopefully. "Can we get fizzy drinks?"

"Percy, dear, you've got to eat SOMETHING," said Mrs. Weasley.

"Can I have a cheeseburger without lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions, ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and meat?" asked Bill.

"But I'm not hungry," Percy said.

"Wait, wait, are French fries smelly? I don't like smelly things!"

"You could get a salad, Percy--you like green things, right?"

"Bill, basically you're ordering a cheese sandwich..."

"That's what I want, Charlie."

"You could've just said that..."

Ginny frowned. "Could I get a Happy Meal?"

"So can we get fizzy drinks, please?"

Mr. Weasley shrugged. "But no caffeine, okay, Fred?"

"I'm George!!!"

"What kinds of toys are in the Happy Meals?"

"Sorry about that, George."

The McDonald's worker sounded deeply confused. "Um--what are your orders?"

Everyone spoke at once, making it impossible to understand anyone.

"I beg your pardon?"

"A cheeseburger without lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions, ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, or meat," Bill said.

"Er--a cheese sandwich, sir?"

"Anyone can say a CHEESE SANDWICH," said Bill primly.

"A Happy Meal," Ginny said, smiling and dimpling adorably. "With a toy! A big one!"

"Can I have some chicken nuggets?" asked Charlie.

"How many?"

"Um--two? I just ate a granola bar, so I'm not very hungry--"

"Uh, sorry sir, they come in packs of eight or six."

He frowned. "Can't you just get two nuggets?"

"They--they don't come in packs of two--only six and eight--"

"Why the hell--" Charlie dodged a boot, "--why the heck not??"

"Because the boxes are too large, and the nuggets rattle around and get mashed up--"

"Well, I don't want to frame them, for god's sake!! They're going to end up immersed in my stomach acids anyway; what does it matter what they look like??"

Getting impatient, Mrs. Weasley said, "And the twins'll have cheeseburgers, but not with those little black stripes on them because they have phobias of grill marks, and Ronnie wants a Happy Meal too, and Arthur and I will have anything that isn't soaked in grease, if you have it. And can we get seven drinks. The kind doesn't matter as long as two are identical and don't contain caffeine." She glanced at Percy. "What did you say you wanted, dear?"

Percy shrugged. "I'll just eat anything that you don't eat."

After a very long pause, the McDonald's worker said, "Uh, let me get this right. Two cheeseburgers without the stripes. A cheeseburger without--er, without lettuce, pickles, onions, tomatoes, mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, or meat. Two items without grease--salads, then. Two Happy Meals. Um--a two pack of chicken nuggets. Seven sodas, two of them identical and without caffeine."

"That's right."

"...okay, ma'am, pull up to the next window."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(1:13 PM)

"Honestly!! Does it really take half an hour to go through a Muggle drive-through??"

"Well, between the twins' stripe-less cheeseburgers and Charlie's TWO pack of chicken nuggets, I assume they had to do quite a bit of custom work," said Bill, scowling.

"Shut up, Mr.-I'll-have-a-cheeseburger-without-onions-tomatoes-pickles-lettuce-ketchup-mustard-mayonnaise-and-meat," snapped Charlie.

"That was different. It was just a cheese sandwich. Only took a second to make."

"I think the most time consuming thing was when we had to take back the twins' drinks because they weren't filled the same," said Percy.

"You've got to learn to be individuals," Charlie told the twins grumpily.

"In time, I'm sure they'll learn to live without each other," said Mrs. Weasley.

Ron was thoughtful.

(Sudden flash to the future, where the 124-year-old twins are in a retirement home.)

"Hey, George, what should we wear today? " Fred croaked, combing his beard.

George flashed him a toothless grin. "The green outfits, and we'll use the black walkers!"

Fred gasped suddenly, sending his dentures flying into George's Metamucil. "Oh, no--George--our pacemakers aren't lined up!! Quick, start panting to speed up your heart rate!!"

George began to hyperventilate.

(Present time)

"I can't imagine the twins separate," said Ron, shaking his head.

"Now that you've induced a flashback..." said Charlie sarcastically.

"It was technically a flash-forward," Percy pointed out.

"Whatever."

Long, awkward silence.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(8:42 PM)

"We've gone twenty miles today."

"That's horrible for being in the car for thirteen hours," said Charlie, frowning and recording the time.

"For most of the time, we were stopped," Mr. Weasley said. "You know, rest stops, drive-throughs...and there was the time when the car fell down the hill--"

"Thanks to your refusal to use the parking brake!!!!!"

"--and I think the speedometer actually went BACKWARDS for quite a while."

Bill and Charlie sighed and opened the door that connected the two rooms. Fred and George were jumping busily up and down on the bed, while Percy lay spread-eagled and face down on the floor. Mrs. Weasley was gingerly pulling her shoes off. "It's been a long day," she said tiredly. "I can't wait to go to bed. In fact, I'd like to go to bed right this instant and--"

Suddenly Ron emerged from the bathroom, beaming. "They have a swimming pool!! Let's go swimming!!"

"Noooooooooo," moaned Mrs. Weasley.

"PLEASE?" Ginny screamed, jumping up and down.

"But children," protested Mr. Weasley, looking tired.

"PLEASE!!" Ron threw himself down on the ground.

"Arrrrgggg," the parents groaned.

"OH, PLEASE!!!!!!!!" Now the twins had perked up, looking excitedly around.

"You can go, but only if Bill and Charlie will watch you," said Mrs. Weasley, burying her face in a pillow.

Immedietly they turned to their older brothers. "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!!"

"No," said Charlie flatly.

"OKAY, kids, let's go!!" Bill yelled enthusiastically, feeling generous.

"YAY!!!" The twins, Ron, and Ginny all threw their clothes off immedietly and started to pull on their swimsuits. Ron, realizing that his was in the car, jumped outside in the nude to retrieve his suitcase. (Catcalls followed him all the way inside, and Charlie realized mournfully that his brother would probably be the star of many dirty old man fantasies for years to come.)

"Percy, you want to go?" asked Bill, patting Percy on the head.

"Um, I don't think so. I'm a very bad swimmer."

"Oh, don't worry, we'll keep an eye on you. And you can always use Ginny's waterwings."

Percy sighed. "I guess I'll go, then, if you promise not to laugh at me."

"Promise."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"HAHAHA, Percy's wearing WATERWINGS!!"

"Don't laugh at Percy, Ron," said Ginny, clinging to Percy defensively. "At least he can go in the deep end now--you're still stuck in the shallow end."

Ron stuck out his tongue. "But I have my dignity!!"

"So true," mumbled Percy, sticking his head under the water.

"BELLYFLOP CONTEST!!!" screamed Fred, launching himself into the water facedown.

Everyone watching cringed visibly. Bill smacked his head.

"I CAN TOP THAT!!!" shouted George. "CHARLIE, THROW ME!!"

"No!!" said Charlie, looking horrified. "I'm NOT gonna--"

"CHARLIE!! C'mon, THROW ME!!"

"Absolutely NO!! You're going to get seriously hurt--you'll break your ribs and I'll be blamed and--"

George burst into tears.

"FINE!!"

Charlie heaved him into the pool.

Ron doggie-paddled along the rim. Ginny continued to hang onto Percy, who bobbed up and down like a buoy with a resigned look on his face. Fred surfaced with what appeared to be a bug in his teeth (it was an outdoor pool). Bill and Charlie waited expectantly for George to surface.

Fifteen seconds passed.

A stream of bubbles rose from the water.

"AHHHHH!!!" Bill screamed so loudly that everyone within a mile radius jumped. "DON'T WORRY, GEORGIE, I'LL SAVE YOU!!!!"

Bill tore on his goggles and threw himself into the pool with a bellyflop that created a tidal wave that knocked Percy and Ginny clean into the wall. George surfaced the moment Bill was out of sight, cutely spitting out a stream of water. "That was fun," he said, dimpling adorably. "But I think I lost my swimming trunks..."

Underwater, Bill got an--eyeful. His nightmares were plagued with unwanted glimpses of his little brother for years to come.

"Oh well," said George, hopping out of the water and skipping happily to the hotel. (Catcalls followed him all the way inside, and Charlie realized mournfully that ANOTHER one of his brothers would probably be the star of many dirty old man fantasies for years to come.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(11:23 PM)

"Goodnight Fred."

"Goodnight George."

"Goodnight Percy."

"Goodnight Fred. Goodnight George."

"Goodnight Percy."

"Goodnight mum."

"Goodnight Percy."

"Goodnight, mum."

"Goodnight Fred."

"I'm George..."

"Sorry. Goodnight George."

"Goodnight mum."

"Goodnight Fred."

Fred thumped on the wall. "Goodnight, Bill!"

"Goodnight, George!"

"I'm Fred!"

"Sorry, goodnight Fred!"

George called out. "Goodnight, Billie!"

"Goodnight, George."

"Goodnight Bill."

"Goodnight, Percy."

"Night, Bill," said Mrs. Weasley, sounding extremely irritated.

"Goodnight mum."

"Goodnight, Ginny."

"Goodnight, George."

"I'm Fred!"

"Goodnight, Fred."

"Goodnight, Gin."

"Nighty-night, George."

"Goodnight, Ginny..."

"Goodnight Per--"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Mrs. Weasley.

Everyone fell silent. A moment later, she heard someone sobbing softly.

"What is it, Fred?"

"I'm George...and I'm sad 'cos I didn't get to say goodnight to Charlie or Ron or daddy..."

"Me too," said Percy, starting to sniffle. "What if he dies, mum? And we never see him again for the rest of our lives and we never got to say goodbye to him?"

Mrs. Weasley sighed. "Fine then, if it means that much to you, continue..."

"Goodnight Ron."

"Goodnight Fred!"

"I'm George."

"Sorry, Georgie. Night."

"Night Ron."

"Night Fred..."

"Night Ronnie!"

"Night Ginny..."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(12:56 AM)

"Night dad."

"Night George."

"I'm Fred."

"Are you done yet?" Mrs. Weasley grumbled, gingerly removing her pillow from her face.

"Yes," said George (or Fred), yawning softly. "Goodnight, mum."

"Goodnight George."

"I'm Fred."

"Goodnight Fred."

"Yes, goodnight, mum," said Percy.

"GOODNIGHT!!!" she screamed.

They fell into an insulted silence, then (approximately two seconds later) one of the twins began to snore very loudly.

Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. Pause. Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. Pause.

"Mum," Percy whispered urgently. "Fred is snoring!"

"I noticed," she whispered back.

"It's George," Fred said indignantly. "I don't snore!!"

Two more seconds later, Fred fell asleep.

Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore.

"Oh no," Percy cried. "George snores for two seconds and in two second intervals, and so does Fred, but he started snoring during one of George's intervals! That means that there's never going to be silence! How will we ever get to sleep??"

Two more seconds later, Percy conked out.

Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. _SNAARRP_.

Percy's extremely nasal snoring had joined the twins' duet.

Mrs. Weasley stared at the ceiling, her eyes bloodshot.

Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore. _SNAARRP_.

Throwing off her covers, Mrs. Weasley opened the door to her husband's room, quite prepared to sleep on the floor if it meant silence. At once, an entire wall of noise hit her and nearly knocked her over.

"Mum!" screamed Ginny over the gargantuan amount of snoring. "MUM, HELP ME!!"

"ALL MALE WEASLEYS SNORE!!" Mrs. Weasley informed her in her a shout, helping her out of the room. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!!"

"Mum, we're in the hall...you don't need to shout..."

"WHAT??"

(8:01: Day Two)

"I'm bored, mum."

There was a pause.

"I'm--I'm REALLY bored, mum."

"Well, here's a trivia game," said Mrs. Weasley, pulling some cards from beneath her seat. She flipped quickly through the cards and frowned. "Looks a bit over your heads, though."

"We can handle it." Bill took the cards and scanned through them. "Okay, dad, you keep score! Percy. What are animals with no backbones called?"

"Invertebrates," said Percy promptly.

"Yay Percy," said Mrs. Weasley, smiling.

"Fred, what are non-identical twins called?"

Fred smiled. "Fraternal!! Too bad, the suckers!" He squeezed George's hand affectionately.

"I'm impressed," Mrs. Weasley said honestly. Mr. Weasley busied himself writing down the scores.

"George. Who wrote 'Alice in Wonderland?'"

"Lewis Carroll," said George, grinning. "C'mon, give us some hard ones!"

"Okay, there are 206 of what in the human body?"

"Bones," said Charlie shrugging. "This is too easy!"

"Okay, okay. No more taking turns. Just shout out the answers. Who was Oceanus Hopkins?" asked Bill, and Mrs. Weasley rolled her eyes. This was WAY over her children's heads; they were never going to get that one--

"A Muggle who was the only child born on the Mayflower," Percy said without looking up from his book.

"What American hero of World War I single-handedly killed 20 Germans and made 132 surrender in one night?"

"Sergeant Alvin York," said George, saluting crisply.

"What type of machine is used to accelerate nuclear particles to high speeds?"

"A cyclotron," said Ron, and everyone laughed and applauded.

Mrs. Weasley's jaw had dropped. Mr. Weasley continued recording the scores, noticing nothing.

Bill continued reading, slightly faster, as everyone was getting pumped. "What famous quintuplets were born in Canada in 1934?"

"The Dionne quintuplets," said Fred and George immedietly.

"Who invented the spinning jenny?"

"Alexander Fleming," said Ron.

"He did not," said Ginny, shaking her head. "Alexander Fleming was the Scottish scientist who discovered penicillin. James Hargreaves invented the spinning jenny in 1770."

Ron looked embarrassed. "Oh yeah, that's right..."

"_Duh_, Ron," said Charlie, rolling his eyes.

"What parasite has the Latin name of _Pulex Irritans_?"

"Fleas," Percy shouted.

"What physical characteristic do all ungulate animals have in common?"

"Hooves!!"

"What is the Celtic language of Brittany?"

"Breton!"

"In 1861, the Pony Express runs ended due to the completion of what?"

Everyone fumbled as they tried to rush out the long answer. "THE TRANSCONTINENTAL TELEGRAPH LINE!"

"CHILDREN!!" Mrs. Weasley shrieked, pulling over so sharply that Bill jumped and spilled cards all over the car. She whipped around, facing them with a ragged, flabbergasted expression. "HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW ALL THESE THINGS???? IT'S AMAZING!!!"

"Everyone knows these things," said Percy dismissively. "Common knowledge."

"What, don't you think we're smart?" said Fred, sounding hurt.

"Of--of course--but this is amazing--you're--you're--"

"Molly dear, you look pale," said Mr. Weasley concernedly. "Why don't you let me drive again?"

Mrs. Weasley handed him the keys, not taking her eyes off her children. "Why don't you play that game again? It--it was rather engrossing, and you seemed to be having so much fun--"

"Aw, I'm not in the mood anymore," said Bill, and they all sat back, yawning.

__

I have brilliant children, Mrs. Weasley thought wildly, eyeing them with newfound respect. _Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant_!!!

"Ew, Ron's picking his nose!"

"I am not!! I'm scratching it. If I were picking it, I'd look like THIS!!"

"Ew, NOW Ron's picking his nose!!"

__

...brilliant...?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

(9:00 AM)

"Hey, George, I'll bet I can stand the air conditioning in my eyes for longer than you can!"

"You're on!!"

Bill sighed as the twins directed the air into their eyes. Ron and Ginny were involved in a staring contest (their eyes were bright red) and Charlie and Percy had been playing paper, rock, scissors almost constantly since the end of their trivia game. (Percy always did rock. Charlie always did paper. They hadn't changed once since game one.) There had to be something to do--Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley were asleep, so there was--waitaminute--

"DAD!! DON'T FALL ASLEEP; YOU'RE _DRIVING_!!!!"

With a snort, Mr. Weasley jerked awake and nodded, tiredly watching the road.

That was only briefly exciting--Ron and Ginny didn't even blink. The twins were now screaming, their eyes flaming red and twitching, but neither would move their faces away from the air conditioning. Percy and Charlie continued playing paper, rock, scissors, looking bored.

"OKAY, WEASLEYS, LET'S DO SOMETHING FUN!!"

Bill reached into his bag and dug out a pack of cards. "Who's up for strip poker?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(9:26 AM)

"No, officer, you don't understand--"

"I would like to know why you have seven half-naked children in your car," said the police officer frostily. "Do you run a child pornography website?"

Mrs. Weasley turned purple. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!"

"Mum, what's pornography?" asked Ginny, frowning.

"Officer, we're her children--" Percy began, pulling his robes back on.

"DISGUSTING!" shouted the officer, poking a finger at Mrs. Weasley, who looked as if she'd just been slapped. "MADAM, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!"

"We were playing strip poker!!" Bill protested, showing him the cards. "Is that a crime?"

The officer glanced down at Fred and George, who looking surprisingly innocent as the peeked over the seat in the back. "No one is going to hurt you," the officer said gently. "If you tell us the truth, you won't be hurt--we'll get you help if you are in a bad situation. Now tell me--what is happening? Do any of you children pose for pornography?"

Oh great--Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's reputation and freedom depended on Fred and George. Everyone had frozen, their fingers crossed. The twins glanced at each other long and hard, then Fred spoke up timidly.

"Nopes, officer, that's my mum!"

The officer nodded shortly, then put a piece of paper in Ron's hand. "Very well--but if you ever need any help, you should call that number." (1-800-OFF, HNDS!!) He patted him on the head and drew back, casting the parents one final scowl. "YOU DISGUST ME!!"

"WELL!" said Mrs. Weasley huffily as the officer disappeared from sight. "He had some nerve!! Fred, George, why couldn't you have been more convincing?"

"Well, what's pornography?" asked Fred indignantly. "If I'd known what it was, I wouldn't have hesitated!"

"It's--it's--sex stuff."

"What's sex?" asked Percy, frowning.

Mrs. Weasley turned slowly to her husband. "Arthur--you never gave Percy a sex talk? He's _eleven_."

"I don't even know," Charlie confessed.

Bill shrugged. "I've done it, so I know what--"

"BILL WEASLEY, YOU'VE HAD SEX UNDER OUR ROOF WITHOUT OUR--"

"NO! If I'd had sex under your roof, that would mean that I would have to have screwed one of my siblings!!" Bill shouted, sounding appalled.

"I know that word, screwed," said Ron. "Like, like with a screwdriver? I screwed the sink, then?"

"No," said Mr. Weasley as Bill hooted with laughter.

"We are not having this discussion," said Mrs. Weasley flatly. "Not in this car. Not ever."

"Molly, they've got to learn about it somewhere--"

"NO."

"I'll explain it then; they've got to learn," said Bill flatly. He glanced around. "A penis is--"

"BILL WEASLEY, SHUT YOUR MOUTH THIS INSTANT!!"

"What's a penis?" asked Ginny, frowning.

"FINE!" Mrs. Weasley shrieked. "I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU!!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(9:45 AM)

"So let me get this straight. A stork--named Penis--drops off babies on doorsteps?"

"Yes," said Mrs. Weasley firmly.

"But babies are heavier than storks," Percy objected, frowning. "So unless storks had some sort of outside assistance, that would be virtually impossible."

"For the fat babies, like the twins--" Fred and George protested, "--the main stork gets help."

"Penis gets help?" asked Ron, thinking hard. "What are the helper storks names?"

"We were _not_ fat babies," George said, pouting.

"The helper storks don't have names."

Ginny looked horrified. "That's terrible!! The poor storkies don't have names??"

"We should name them," Percy said decisively.

"Sperm," said Bill, coughing.

"That's a good name!" said Ron cheerfully as Mrs. Weasley choked. "Wonderful. So we have Penis, and Sperm--just one more name!"

"Uterus," Bill burst out, still coughing.

"Ooh, another good name!"

"I want to be like Penis when I grow up," said Ginny.

Bill began to laugh again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(11:12 AM)

"Dad, how far are we?"

"Um--eighty miles."

"Oh."

"So, where should we--"

"EIGHTY MILES??" yelled Charlie, looking ecstatic. "YES!! WE CAN GO HOME!!"

"I'm Apparating out of here!" Bill exclaimed, unbuckling his seatbelt.

"No, BILLIE!" Ginny screamed, heaving herself out of her seat and grabbing his knees. "STAY WITH ME!! OR--OR I'LL CRY!!!" She screwed up her face. Tears formed in her eyes. "SEE?? I'LL DO IT!! I'LL START CRYING!!"

"You sound like that baby from Spirited Away," said Fred.

"...Spirited Away? What on earth is that?"

"Oh yeah--this fic takes place before Spirited Away, and we're not even supposed to have any knowledge of Muggle anime...forget I said anything."

"Er--okay."

"Okay, Ginny, I won't leave you..."

"I'm leaving!!!" Charlie shouted. "AND NO ONE CAN MAKE ME STAY!!!!!"

George began to cry.

"George, that ain't gonna work," said Charlie.

George's sobs doubled in intensity and quantity.

"Stop it!" Charlie cried uneasily. "You're not fooling anyone!"

"Charlie," said Fred weakly. "C'mon, you're his favorite--'sides me, of course."

"Aw," said Bill, looking heartbroken. "I'm not his favorite?"

"No, you're MY favorite," said Ginny protectively.

"Who's your favorite, Ron?"

"Mum," said Ron promptly.

"Fred?"

"I like Dad best."

Long pause.

Percy burst into tears too.

Bill followed shortly after. Then Charlie and Ron joined in.

"Okay," said Bill through his sobs. "Who set off the PMS charm??"

"I did!" howled George. "And Charlie is staying or the charm remains in effect for the rest of the trip!!!"

"FINE!!!" Charlie shrieked, crying even louder. "FINE, I'LL STAY, YOU BIG WEENIE!!"

"Finite incantartum," said George.

"That's my wand!" said Arthur, snatching it away quickly.

Everyone stopped crying abruptly, except for Percy.

"Jeezum cripes, I took the spell off," said George, sounding worried.

"I'M NOT ANYONE'S FAVORITE B-B-BECAUSE N-NO ONE _LOVES_ ME!!!"

"Don't worry, Perce!" said Bill, hugging him quickly. "You're the family favorite!!! We love you so much that it goes without say, you know?"

Percy sniffled, looking up and rubbing at his tear-stained cheeks. "Y-you really m-m-mean that?"

"Absolutely," he said firmly.

Still crying a little, Percy hugged Bill.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww," said Fred, George and Ron in unison.

Long pause. Then Molly clapped her hands briskly.

"Yes, I agree with your mother," said Arthur briskly. "Sappy moment's over. The author couldn't help putting in a little Percy-sympathy except, but remember, this is a HUMOR fic!!! Someone do something funny."

Fred pushed an entire graham cracker up his nose.

"Uh--no, sweetie, that's just sick. It isn't funny."

"The hell it isn't!" cried Charlie, snickering uncontrollably and dodging a boot.

"So we're all staying in the car for the trip back?" said Bill resignedly.

"Yes we are!" said Ron firmly, thrusting his hand out. "We're a FAMILY, and despite what Book Five says, it's staying that way!!!! ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL; ALL ONE BIG, HAPPY, WEASLEY FAMILY!!! RIGHT???"

"RIGHT!!!" everyone shouted.

They collapsed into awkward silence. Ginny spoke first. "Um...what now?"

"We hold hands and sing the 'Hoo' song from 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas,'" said Fred sarcastically.

"Shut up, you warm, outhouse toilet."

"Will do, you insufferably big-mouthed humpback whale."

__

What a nice family, thought Arthur dreamily.

End of chapter one...review...? Maybe?


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